A New Beginning

Seven years (give or take) since I last posted. Six since I graduated college. Five since I moved to Tennessee. Three since I got married. Two since I was last in Spain. One since I found out Liz was expecting our first child.

So much has changed in these past seven years and I have severely neglected to reflect, journal, or otherwise process my thoughts. Life with a full-time job really takes away much of my free time and also tends to hinder my motivation to do anything but mindlessly flip through Facebook, Twitter, or streaming services on the TV. 

Many things have changed during these past seven years - certainly too many to try to list here, so I'm not even going to try. Instead, I am going to just try to get back into the hang of writing again. I think any easy way to do this would be in conjunction with reading books. Even though it's been seven years since I was last in the classroom, I've kept the habit of taking notes on (mostly) non-fiction books so that I can remember what I read without having to re-read the book itself. 

Today, however, since I am not in the mood to whip out the notes that I've taken from other books I've read I wanted to just take a moment to reflect on the past seven years and wonder if this is where I saw myself seven years ago, whether I'm content with my life, and what I hope to do more of in the next seven.

Seven years ago it was the fall of 2013 and I was entering the final year of my undergraduate career. I went into the year thinking that I was going to produce a senior thesis that would knock the socks off of everyone and get me into a graduate school of my choosing. I was all ready - I had primary sources that I translated myself, I had what I thought to be a unique and interesting thesis, I had the motivation (or so I thought). What changed? I'm not sure, exactly, and I'm not quite sure what good would come from trying to dig through my foggy memory to pinpoint the change. In the end, my thesis got me the minimum grade required, I made a horrible presentation during our college's scholarship day, and I didn't go to graduate school.

Another of my post-graduation plans was to move back to Spain as part of their government's auxiliar de conversacion program. I'd work about 30 hours per week in a school somewhere in the country providing English lessons for the pupils trying to master the tongue. I successfully applied and was accepted for a position in the province of Salamanca, but they needed an answer quick otherwise my spot would be forfeited. I discussed it with Liz and she delivered an ultimatum: it was either I continue living with her in Cedar Rapids, IA and we continue dating, or I could go to Spain but should would not wait around for me. I don't think that I resented her in the moment (nor do I now, honestly), but it was a tough decision to make - to live like a pauper in a dream job or stay around for fear of being alone, get a job, and pay the bills. Obviously I chose the latter and I would not say that I regret it nor resent anyone; I was prepared to make a choice and live with the consequences.

I held many odd jobs while I lived in Cedar Rapids before finding one at Wells Fargo as a teller. I figured it would be just another job and after I made some money and paid down my student loans I'd return to school for something I loved or I'd find something else that I was more passionate about. That didn't happen, either. Liz got a job teaching in Clarksville, Tennessee and so we moved down here for that. I looked at continuing at Wells Fargo, but there weren't any branches in Clarksville and I was not prepared to commute to Nashville every day in my 2002 Pontiac Grand Prix. After applying at multiple places, U.S. Bank reached out to me and offered me a job as a teller at a branch in Clarksville. Obviously I accepted it and become more interested in the financial planning/investment side of the business instead of the banking. I worked hard to rise through the ranks and land a spot in the investment world and that finally happened in the fall of 2017, just after we got married.

It was a position in Nashville and would require a daily commute - a prospect that I had vowed against in the past - but it offered a salary that would more than compensate (in my opinion, at least) for the commute. I've continued to work there ever since and find myself content with the position most days. I would not say that this work lights my inner passion but nor does it make me want to quit and look for something else. I have not done much research on the topic, but I suspect that somewhere in this range is where the majority of people fall with their jobs/careers/work.

At times it's difficult to reconcile what my generation was taught growing up - never settle for anything less than that about which you are most passionate - with the realities of adulthood (i.e. bills, bills, and more bills). At times I want to strike out and find a career that I am really passionate about now that many of our bills have been paid down and we are making more money than we were seven years ago. I take a step back to think about what it is I'd really like to do, what it is that I have enough passion for that would allow me to feel fulfilled and continue in that line of work for the rest of my days. Often times I find excuses for every choice I seriously entertain: it would be too time-consuming, it would cost a lot of money, I doubt I could juggle doing this job with the demands of family life, the outlook doesn't look good, etc. So at the end of the day, the excuses (and inertia) win out and I continue slogging on at my job, thinking that this is something that I'm halfway good at, that pays well, that affords me the lifestyle I'm looking to have, so why change any of that?

As for the future, I still find myself uncertain as to where I see myself. Another excuse I keep telling myself to prevent a career change is that I ought to continue in my current position as long as they will have me and as long as it's somewhat bearable. Aging has instilled in me a certain apprehension about the uncertainty of making a move; I've become entrenched in my daily life and have convinced myself that it's not downright horrible, so why take the risk of loss of income or stability for something that has an uncertain return.

I suppose this is why we're meant to take chances and experiment when we are young, so that we can become more certain of what we want to do and how we want to live by the time we're meant to be adults. What motivates me to continue providing a stable job, income, and home environment is so that I might provide these types of opportunities to my son (and any other future children I may have). I want him (or them) to be able to try new things, experiment, and take chances so that they might have a better sense of direction or purpose in their life.